This can only mean one thing…  a return to ?@&!ing television for Kenny Powers and Eastbound & Down.  Yes – the video has harsh language and probably shouldn’t be viewed by children, parents or anyone with a relative moral compass.

Miss the first season of Eastbound & Down?  You have until September 26th to catch up.  The show is set in Shelby, NC and from what I’ve seen does a pretty good job capturing the “Charlotean” spirit.  (Yes – I expect hate mail on that one.)

So the Alcoholic Beverage Control Commission (ABC) has decided that the new Raleigh Amphitheater can not be called the BLA (Bud Light Amphitheater).  The reason?  They feel that naming the amphitheater for a beer would send the wrong message to children and hurt those dealing with substance abuse problems.  (Really? $9 beer won’t solve that problem.) Probably not a bad call all around but I would like to point out this could make naming the place a little more difficult now that we have set the bar that high.

Yes – I was against naming the amphitheater after Bud Light despite loving the idea of calling it the BLA!  My reason was slightly different from the ABC Commission – I wanted someone local to be the sponsor.  I didn’t want something that felt generic – I wanted something that would play to the small town feel of Raleigh.  Something a little closer to home maybe.  Now that the bar has been set so high – I’m not sure what would work.  To that end I have a few suggestion of what won’t work and the reasons I feel the ABC Commission if they were in charge of more than alcohol might not like them.

Krispy Kreme Amphitheater – Krispy Kreme is a North Carolina native with two locations in Raleigh – one just a block away.  They would be a potential sponsor but it might encourage obesity in children and send the wrong message to fat people.  That’s right – calling it the doughnut (not donut) would be awesome but is that really the message we want to send?  This would only work if we plan to make the seats wider.

Red Hat Amphitheater – Red Hat would encourage collaboration, open source technology and making a venue that just works.  Unfortunately this would send a message to children that they can escape being a Microsoft or Mac clone and think for themselves and it would likely increase the number of geeks and nerds coming to shows.  Neither would be terribly appealing and both seem to take us away from our goal of being controlled by Skynet in the reasonably near future.  Besides – I don’t know if you can use Ticketmaster on Fedora without having an ethical dilemna.

Golden Corral Amphitheater – even better if they called it “grazing corral” like the folks in my office used to.  I think it goes without saying that a buffet bar at a concert would be awesome but the kids and the fat people and the message and all that.  I can’t see it being the worst choice.  Maybe they could have a breakfast concert series.

Progress Energy Amphitheater – this one might be the right fit.  Just think they could call Memorial Auditorium “endo” and the Amphitheater “outdo.”  I don’t know what message this would send to kids or people that are damaged goods but I do see it being confusing for anyone from out of town to find the place they want to go.  Can’t you see the enraged couple from JoCo when they learn that they don’t have tickets to Lynyrd Skynyrd but Miss Saigon. I just can’t see that going well.

Galloway Running Program Amphitheater – this wouldn’t encourage obesity or be easily confused but it would be annoying because the music would play for about 3 minutes and then stop abruptly for 2 minutes and then play again for 3 minutes and then stop again for 2 minutes for the whole show.  (Yes – I know no one gets that one but a handful of people but I think it is funny.)

So that’s my list so far -  Think you have another to warn the city about while they re-group and look for a new sponsor?  Add it to the comments.

I am starting to hate that I missed Where the Wild Things Are in the theater.  Looks like it was a much better movie than I imagined.

I’ve decided that I should finally come clean too. – m4w
It’s a time of new beginnings, and my sponsor has been encouraging me to make peace with everyone I may have hurt. I told him that I can’t contact you directly because your dad or brother would probably make an attempt on my life, so he suggested posting here instead. In hindsight it seems terribly unfair that I pushed you so hard to tell me the truth about what you did when I was harboring a secret myself. I hope you have it in your heart to forgive me.